Erica

tomorrow is my one year anniversary of being single.

and tarangs birthday.


feck.

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

okay 2008, i'm waiting patiently for you to stop sucking.

what the hell is wrong with me?

i'm a mess of a person. sorry for those who i have hurt in the way.




balls.

i am so pathetic that i have breakdowns in my bathroom because i can't get my piercings in by myself, and how am i ever going to be independent if i need help with the little things in life?

what the fuck is wrong with me?

i am not okay


i am a karmic disaster.


i just want to die.

har.

I wish I could have a party at my house, with beer pong and good company and no mother here to frown upon everything that would be going on.

I cannot wait to get a place in New Brunswick. Damnit.

no no no no no no no no no no no no
no more
no no no no no no no no no no no no
no more
no no no
no more

it's gonna be sudden
it's gonna be strange
i'm gonna turn on a dime
give you five cents change
it's gonna be long
overdue
it's all gonna come out
outta me, on to you

outta me, onto you...

one of these days
you're gonna push too hard
we'll go on like we've always done
'til you go too far
yeah one of these days
it's gonna reach the top
then it's gonna start to spill
and it's not gonna
stop

outta me, onto you...

no more...

some people wear their smile
like a disguise
those people who smile a lot
watch the eyes
i know it 'cuz i'm like that a lot
you think everything's okay
and it is
'til it's not

outta me, onto you...

no more

some people wear their heart
up on their sleeve
i wear mine underneath my right pant leg
strapped to my boot
don't think cause i'm easy, i'm naive
don't think i won't pull it out
don't think i won't shoot

outta me, onto you...

most people like to talk a lot
including you
you know there isn't much i have to say
that i wouldn't rather
just shut up and do
i'm gonna miss you
when you're gone
yeah i'm gonna be torn
just remember that i love you
just remember you were warned

outta me, onto you...

no more...
no more

i miss the days when every breeze in my face meant something to me.

So I called my mom from stop & shop today to ask what the catch is with signing up to get grocery store cards and the discounts associated with them. Turns out there isn't any. So I did a grown-up thing and got one. Weird.

Then she tells me that she talked to Anthony a few days ago. I knew who she was talking about, but was taken aback and ask her 'Anthony who?'. Anthony Gaudios. My half-brother who I haven't seen or heard from in YEARS. He's apparently living in Manahawken in his grandparents beach home they have there. And I'm going to see him around Thanksgiving time.

It's so weird. I've been non-stop thinking about him recently, wondering where he went, and what the hell happened to him.

I'm scared to meet him after all these years, but I'm eager for it. I'd really like to get to know him.

So fucking weird.

So last night I showed up to Kellie's party after being at 3 (well, two and a half, but i got the drunkest at the half) parties. Randy was there, whom I hadn't seen in like two years. We were hanging out by his computer and playing DJ, and I was complaining that I was so tired. He told me he could offer me something to wake up, but that I'd probably be angry at him for offering. I said that I wouldn't want it anyway, but thanks. He nodded and we went back to dancing to crappy music.

It's funny that Randy still knows me after this time, and didn't assume I had changed. And it's funny that for the whole end of my relationship with Casey, he thought I was on coke and was doing drugs behind his back.

Also, earlier in the day, I was one of two people (out of 8) who didn't take vicodon or however the hell it's spelled when the opportunity was offered.

That is also funny to me.

tonight, i pissed in brian leonard's ex bathroom. and it smelled like vagina.

i learned that one of the stars on orion is another galaxy.

i like how boys walk me home at all hours of the night because apparently new brunswick is dangerous.

I live vicariously through others too much. I think that's why I'm such a facebook addict. I need to somehow glimpse into the life of others. See how much fun everyone has with their friends. Wish I was them. I've been doing that for ages. I've always wanted to be close with everyone.

I met a whole bunch of Matia's recent good friends the other night. It was an experience of so many sorts. They're all so close, and get along so well and I want to be a part of it. They're fun people. I just feel like I annoy everyone by my mere presence so often.


I was at ZBT last night for the first time in a while. I started having sudden intense stomach pains and ran off to the bathroom. In there, Casey called me twice and left me two voicemails with him singing and playing "Hey There, Delilah". Yeah. Then I tell Matia about it, because I'm sick and raging because I don't want to deal with that or him anymore, and she goes off on this "we're drifting apart" spiel, which COMPLETELY blindsided me. I couldn't deal with anything. I didn't even feel like drinking, I just wanted to go home.

Free cigarette man was outside on the porch, so of course the whole house ended up out there. Alan kept making comments about me being drunk (when in fact I was probably the most sober I had been in days) and I was already pissed off about the Casey thing, that I just smacked him across the face. He came at me as if he was going to retaliate, and me, just then realizing what I had done, got scared shitless and punched him in the nuts. Right there. In front of everyone.

THAT right there is the major thing I loathe about myself. Sometimes, I have uncontrollable anger issues.

this entry is going nowhere.

I wish that I felt like I had a core group of friends again. Ones I hung out with everyday. Everyone I became friends with freshman year is gone or dead to me. I hate feeling like I tag along on other people's friendships, but that's what I do. Because I kinda have no one now. I have Matia, but she's got her other friends and I feel like I piss her off by always being around.

Boo hoo, woe is me.

I just feel so completely lost right now. I'm a mess and who wants to deal with that?

I just found (somehow) on my computer, a conversation casey had with a friend of his from our freshman year. It was in a music folder, so I guess it got transferred along with the songs. I read the whole thing. It disgusted me. He was talking about how if he were with her right now, they'd have sex and how they want to fuck on airplanes and all this shit. I should have known all along he was a scumbag. I should have listened to everyone all along. Hopefully I'll learn a lesson from these last three wasted years.

I kissed a boy yesterday. I don't know how to handle it. I don't want another relationship. Not yet. And I don't even know how he took it. I was drunk, he's a good guy who doesn't put moves on drunk girls. I started it. And now I don't know what to do. I need to stop being 15 years old.

I've been wearing my yin yang necklace for a few days now. I decided I need to find my zen again, and need to be in control of myself. I need to not get drunk and hit people and be so angry. I have once again found things I don't like about myself, and need to fix them. I've been so busy trying to fix all of Casey's problems that I have been blind to what's wrong with myself.

I can be so much more than this.

I'm going to start meditating again. I've been saying that a lot lately, I just need to get around to it. I'm going to look up information on Buddhism, and I'm going to go to pagan stuff with one of the ZBT brothers who I met once the semester starts. I want that desire to learn about what's out there once again. I want to make decisions for myself. I want to know what I actually believe. I want to take part in debates.

Be confident don't let fear hold you back.
Be truthful, lies will only complicate life further.
Never be afraid to say how you feel.
Never let anyone manipulate you.
Always remember where you come from, but don't forget where you want to be.
Always do what you feel is right even if your the only one that feels it.
Don't be afraid of going against the crowd.
Don't be afraid to stand for what you believe in, even if you stand alone.

That's Lou's away message, at the moment. I dig it. He's stopping by soon to see me. I need him back in my life, I think he can help me out.

I need the right music. I have been on ridiculous old-school music kicks lately. It's because I'm 15 again, me thinks. I was just listening to Something Corporate for days in a row in my car, where normally I can't listen to a CD more than once in a row or it will bother me. I was watching the boys play beer pong last night, and they were listening to all these old songs that I knew every word to, and it made me so happy inside. I miss.. things.

Ah, this entry sucks. But it needs to get out.

you are so lame
you always disappoint me
it's kinda like our running joke
only, it's really not funny.
and i just want you to live up
to the image of you i've created.
i see you and i'm so unsatisfied.
i see you and i dilate.

i need a man who has the same standards as me. i broke up with casey, because i can't handle his love for drugs. don't get me wrong, i have no problem marijuana. but that's pretty much it. at least now i don't have to deal with him accusing me of doing coke and god knows what else behind his back. i've never touched it, but for some reason he can't cope with that and needs to think i am the same way as him, and need to lie about everything. well, i've never lied to him. i was good to him. i believed we had a future together, because he just made me feel so whole when we were together. but i can't do this anymore. i need someone who isn't gonna go on ketamine binges and show on on acid and estacy. it's not for me. i can do so much better than that. i just hope he realizes what he lost. but he'll never fully know how amazing i am, because he refuses to believe that i don't hid myself behind lies and false pretenses and drugs like he does. i was raised better than that.

so. i am single. for the first real time in about 3 years. actually.. longer... since i was dating derek when i went away to college. i don't even know how to interact with guys like that anymore. and it's sad, because he can fuck anyone and not feel bad about it and be completely confident and okay with it since he's been fucking since he was 12.

i need to be over him. yet i still hope that he is going to change into who i need him to be. and i still hope that we're going to have a future together. but i can't. not with who he is now and how he acts and feels.

and they say that alcoholics
are always alcoholic,
even when they're as dry as my lips for years.
even when they're stranded on a small desert island
with no place in two thousand miles to buy beer.
and i wonder is he different?
is he different?
has he changed what he's about?
or is he just a liar with nothing to lie about?

now is the time i need to surround myself with friends. the good people who i have met. who don't make me feel like i need to put up with his shit. who are happy that i ended it because they saw how he hurt me and didn't care enough to change, even though it was help himself, help me, and help our relationship.

damn, i really can do so much better.

woke up one of the times i woke up this morning and saw june 9th and thus begins my birthday depresstion..

this is the big 2-1, guys. yip-fuckin-ee.

I woke up feeling empty and alone and unhappy again today. And again, I awoke at a rediculously early hour, just to feel it wasn't worth being up that early and didn't feel like being alive, so I went back to sleep. That's happened about 4 times this week. I don't understand what's going on.

Karin, my new roommate for this semester, goes home on weekeends. All the time when she's not here, I wake up and HATE being alone. I'm used to having Kellie and Casey always by my side, and it hurts that I had to lose the two of them at the exact same fucking time. But I guess that happenes to a lot of people.

I know I didn't really lose either of them. But I barely see Kellie now [which I know is probably my own fault] and she lives ten minutes away with 4 boys who I adore. And starting in a month she is living with a girl who I don't ever want to see again because I am horrible at letting anything go. I don't think I'm going to be able to accomplish my mission, which means our birthday extravaganza which could actually potentially happen this year, is going to be all fucked up on my end because I hate girls who have fucked my boyfriend. Fuck, man. So it goes..

I just miss the way things were. I know that's cliché and that everyone knows that nothing stays the same forever. But shit, man, do all my friends have to move out of my town at the same time? Kellie is gone, Bruce is gone, Nancy is gone, Kate is gone, Chris is gone, Dres is gone. FUCK. That's my whole last summer. And my mom is going to force me to stay at home this summer, even though I really want to sublet a place up in New Brunswick, and I would be able to with ease because one of my sorority sisters is living at home this summer and I would be staying with another one of them. And I don't even know if I'm going to get that internship at T&M anyway.. which would be my only reason to stay in Middletown this summer.

What the fuck am I supposed to do?

I had another intervention about breaking up with Casey this week. That makes two in.. how many weeks? I can't take anything anymore.

It's sad. I came to a breaking point a few weekds ago where I realized that I should, for real, make a counseling appointment and figure out what the hell is wrong with me. And after pushing me to do it for so long, Casey told me that all they would tell me is to get rid of him because he is the reason I'm always depressed and he's the only thing that get me so upset. So I didn't. Now the sememester is over and I wish I had done it.

I realized that I have never hated anyone before I met him. I never gave myself a reason to. And now it's spread and I can't stop it and I hate almost any girly sorostitute I see and anyone who looks like someone I don't like or anything. It's bad, I never used to be like this.

Tent State brought out a lot of good in me the past few nights. When I was there, I felt like I didn't need to be worried about anything, that for those few hours at the end of every night, I could just listen to music, dance, talk, sit, enjoy life. And then I could go home and sleep and have my next day that would probably end the same way. I am seriously thinking about working it next year.. I don't know if I could handle living in a tent for a whole week, but I did it for practically half a week last year so I could just suck it up.

blah blah fucking blah

I am going to miss stonier. This building was good to me. And Hardenburd is just going to be a reminder that Kellie isn't my RM4L.. cause at least we started off living together here and her art is still on the walls and covering the back of my door and her Christmas lights are all around and we still have the Brita cup chillin and the cinnamon we stole from Brower and whatever.. =/ WHAT THE FUCK MAN?

Oh well, I hate life right now. I have an exam tomorrow which I can't get myself to study for because I don't understand this shit, I haven't been to class since the midterm and I think I am going to have a major PMS-stress freakout tonight. Stay away.

"Love is an act of endless forgiveness, a tender look which becomes a habit."
~Peter Ustinov

i think we don't know it, but we're on a cycle again. or sorts.

i miss my old loves.
i miss my old friends.

i miss home.

kellie amuses me to no end.

that has been the longest sunday-wednesday night ever.

Year in review Take the first sentence or 2 from the first post of each month of 2005. That's your year in review.
January: Last night was fun, definately my best new years ever. I love my friends.
Febuary: so we're both still in love with each other. well i guess that's the one thing we've got.
March: I wish that I could just not deal with drama for ANY extended period of time.
April: We were walking, holding hands, With our bare feet in the sand
May: I fell asleep last night, to take a nap, at 10 pm. Somehow, this nap ended up lasting 13 hours.
June: i want a tan. i want to go swimming but it's been raining assloads any time i can.
July: i had a lot of fun yesterday. and i know that he loves me.
August: Casey told me recently that I am the main reason he stayed in new brunswick. He could have had an easy life around all of his friends if he just moved down to south jersey and lived with dave and don.
September: Rules of Drunk Dialing
October: uhhh it smells like fall at rutgers and it makes me sad because i'm here all alone. casey's still with his dad, kellie is at class.
November: -none?-
December: BrAnDiS04 (2:35:41 AM): hes gonna have to learn things the hard way
BrAnDiS04 (2:36:01 AM): and while hes away learning, theres gonna be some other hott guy whos checkin u out

BrAnDiS04 (2:35:41 AM): hes gonna have to learn things the hard way
BrAnDiS04 (2:36:01 AM): and while hes away learning, theres gonna be some other hott guy whos checkin u out